When a Child Becomes the Enemy | The Psychological Toll of Betrayal and Isolation

Angela Buckley
Feb 19
5 min read

When Does the Shift Happen?

When do parents go from calling their child an angel to treating them like a burden?

When does the warmth of a father’s embrace turn into cold indifference?

As a parent now, I will never understand.

But as a psychology student and therapist, I do.

Children don’t suddenly become unworthy of love. They don’t inherently deserve mistreatment. Yet, when an abusive or narcissistic parent decides that their child no longer serves the image they want to project, that’s when the shift happens.

For me, that shift was gradual but undeniable. It happened in the lies my stepmother crafted, the blind allegiance my father gave her, and the moment I realised that the person who should have fought for me was, instead, fighting against me.

As I write my book, I reflect on how these experiences shaped my understanding of childhood trauma, manipulation, and survival. This isn’t just my story—it’s the story of so many others who have been alienated, scapegoated, and left to piece themselves back together.

Psychological Tactics at Play: The Subtle and the Overt

What happened to me wasn’t just bad luck or a case of “difficult family dynamics.” It was psychological abuse. And like all forms of psychological abuse, it followed a pattern—one that is disturbingly common.

1. Emotional Neglect & The Absence of a Safe Parent

Children need at least one safe caregiver—someone who provides stability, love, and protection. When neither parent fulfils that role, the child is left vulnerable, disconnected, and often forced to navigate adult-level dysfunction alone.

In my case, my mother was trapped in a coercively controlling relationship with a man who was manipulative, and emotionally abusive. While I can now recognise that she is also a victim, as a child, all I saw was her emotional absence and inability to connect with me.

She didn’t fight for me. She didn’t protect me. Instead, I became the target for her blame, accused of being the reason for her depression. I can now see that her mental health struggles were a direct result of her partner’s abusive behaviour—his control, his cruelty, his deep-seated hatred toward me. But at the time, all I felt was rejection.

Psychological research shows that children who grow up without a secure attachment figure are at a higher risk of experiencing self-doubt, emotional dysregulation, and difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life. Without that sense of safety, the world becomes unpredictable, and a child learns that love is conditional—something that must be earned, not given freely.

And so, I stopped expecting love.

Instead, I learned to survive.

2. Triangulation & Emotional Abuse: Pitting People Against Each Other

Triangulation is a psychological manipulation tactic where an abuser controls relationships by turning people against one another. It often involves gaslighting—making the victim question their own reality.

In my case, my stepmother was the orchestrator, setting traps designed to make me look like a liar, a troublemaker, or worse.

🚨 Claiming I smoked in my room (I didn’t).

🚨 Draining my savings and blaming me.

🚨 Telling my father false stories that he blindly believed.

Every lie was a carefully placed landmine meant to explode my credibility. Every accusation made it harder for my father to see me clearly. And soon, I wasn’t just mistrusted—I was unwanted.

Gaslighting works because it makes you doubt your own memories, your own truth, and eventually, your own worth.

3. Narcissistic Parenting & Scapegoating: When You Become the “Problem”

Narcissistic parents often divide their children into roles—one is the Golden Child, the other is the Scapegoat.

I was the scapegoat.

My father’s new family had no place for me except as the one to blame. I wasn’t just neglected—I was actively punished for existing.

❌ Exiled to the caravan to keep my clothes—separated from the house, reinforcing that I didn’t belong.

❌ Sabotaged when I tried to gain independence (like the nannying job he took away).

❌ Denied stability, warmth, or unconditional love.

Scapegoating is a survival mechanism for dysfunctional families. Instead of acknowledging their own failures, they project them onto one person. The scapegoat absorbs all the blame, all the shame, all the anger.

But the most dangerous part?

After a while, you start to believe it.

4. Coercive Control & Isolation: Ensuring There Is No Escape

Coercive control is a slow, methodical way of stripping a person of their autonomy. It is not just physical control—it is psychological imprisonment.

💥 By sabotaging my job opportunities, my father ensured I stayed financially dependent.💥 By constantly shifting the rules, he made it impossible for me to gain footing.

💥 By keeping me physically separated from the family, he reinforced that I had no home.

Abusers make sure that even when you try to break free, you fail. And when that happens enough times, you stop trying.

5. Smear Campaign & Defamation: Rewriting the Truth

Perhaps the most painful realisation came when I tried to return to my father, desperate for something familiar after my boyfriend’s arrest (I was barely 17 years old). Instead of comfort, I was met with a new accusation.

“You were seen fighting a police officer and kicking a police car door.”

It was absurd. It wasn’t true. But it didn’t need to be.

Smear campaigns are deliberate attempts to destroy a victim’s reputation, ensuring they have no credibility, no allies, and no way to tell their side of the story.

This wasn’t just about punishing me—it was about controlling the narrative.

If they painted me as wild, reckless, and dangerous, then they could justify everything they did to me.

From Survival to Purpose: The Shift That Saved Me

For a long time, I didn’t see the patterns. I didn’t understand why I felt lost, unworthy, and stuck in dangerous cycles.

But when I finally did, everything changed, I removed myself from the entire circus and really began to heal those deep wounds (it's an on going process).

I am now studying psychology because I need to understand the depths of these tactics—not just for myself, but for others who have lived through them.

I practice hypnotherapy because I know firsthand that healing isn’t just about understanding the past—it’s about reshaping the subconscious beliefs that past trauma created.

And I am writing my book because this story needs to be told. The snippets I have included in this blog barely scratch the surface.

If you have ever felt unseen, unheard, or rewritten by someone else’s lies—know this:

✨ You are not who they said you were.

✨ Your worth is not defined by what they did to you.

✨ You are allowed to take up space, to be heard, and to reclaim your own truth.

Healing doesn’t happen all at once. But the moment you recognise the patterns—the moment you decide to rewrite your own narrative—that is when the shift happens.

And this time, you are the one in control.

A Call to Those Who Understand

If this story resonates with you, you are not alone. Share your thoughts, your experiences, or your journey in the comments.

Let’s break the silence together.

Let’s expose these patterns for what they are.

And most importantly—let’s take back our own stories.

💡 Hypnotherapy is one of the fastest ways to access and heal those subconscious wounds so you can step into a life of self-worth, confidence, and actual peace.

Angela

Trauma-Informed Hypnotherapist & Family Scapegoating Recovery Specialist

P.S. If you’re struggling with guilt as you release relationships that no longer serve you, I’ve created a free 5-minute hypnotherapy session to help you release guilt and find inner peace. 💛 Access it here.